Wednesday, November 22, 2006

tentative beginning of my story

Elvira was washing the dishes when she heard her phone shout “VICTORY!” which could only mean one thing. Jude was calling; he had programmed his own personal ring tone him self. She rinsed the soap off her hands, walked in to the living room and flipped her phone open.
“Oh. Em. Gee.” Jude greeted her. “Did you watch tonight, E?” “Did you, did you, did you?!”
E. Jude always called her that, he could never get over that her parents had been such fans of Elvira that they could actually think to name their daughter after her. Elvira never cared about her name, though. E almost bothered her more.
“Yes! Dude, it was hella good tonight,” she responded.
“Veronica is so cute! And she kicks some awesome ass.”
“I know! Man, sometimes I just want to be Veronica.”
“Well, E, my one true lovity love love. Here is your chance, girl.”
“Um, what? ”
“That Religious Studies TA that you absolutely despise was found dead at Stow Lake.”
“OMG, what?”
“I know, right! Haha, you didn’t do it, did you?”
“Haha, of course I didn’t! I mean yeah I fantasized about it, but I could never actually kill someone.”
“Couldn’t you? You know what they say about Fantasy Prone Personalities; sometimes people confuse fantasies for reality and reality for fantasies,” Jude said teasingly.
“Very funny, Jude. I do not appreciate it.”
“Oh please, you know I was just kidding! Sooooooooo?”
“Soooooo, what?”
“Let’s do it, E!”
“Do what?”
“Solve this case! I mean think about it: you can be ‘Veronica Mars’ just as you’ve always wanted, and I can be your fantabulous gay sidekick. Ohmygod E, I’m already excited.”
“I’m not solving anything, Jude. I have enough on my mind as it is, and besides, I don’t exactly want to be mindlessly wandering the streets of San Francisco to find a murderer. Not exactly my cup of tea. Especially when my ‘gay sidekick’ freaks out at the sound of a bush rustling and runs in the opposite direction…”
“That was only ONE TIME, E! gosh! So come on! Let’s do this! Please, please please please pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…”
“OKAY! Okay, we’ll do it. I’ll do it, but I’ve gotta go, so I’ll call you back, k?”
“Alrighty, babe. I’ll see you!”
Elvira closed her phone and stared at it for a minute. It was covered with scratches. She didn’t care though. She tied her sleek, red hair into a ponytail and continued scraping week-old food off of plates. She couldn’t get what Jude said off her mind, though. Could it be? Could she really have killed her TA and not even know it? That’s why she had agreed to try and solve this case; she had to relieve her conscience and prove to herself that she was not a killer. She didn’t even like to kill bugs, much less people. So then why couldn’t she shake the eerie feeling that something was very, very wrong?


linztastic said...

Little suggestion - like the dialogue, but if you added little descriptive actions between a few lines it would break the convo up a little andmaybe make it more realistic. Ex, when he suggests you killed the ta, you could start building up that "wrong" feeling by describing worriedly twisting hair or pulling on the hem of a sweater. you know? just a suggestion! i like it.

Chris Newfield said...

this dialogue is believable - it has a nice ring and I like the details like the Victory programmed ring. It moves really fast and is very funny. Lindsay is right in the sense that I didn't see by the end how E. could think that she might have done it herself. Other than that I actually think the solid dialogue intro works really well and does an excellent job of setting up the personalities of the double detectives if that's what they turn out to be. great start - CN